


falsettos crack texting (bc why not)

by trinasmendel



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Crack Fic, F/F, F/M, M/M, Marvin (Falsettos) Being an Asshole, TextingFic, anyways this is just random crack pls enjoy, basically i just stole texts from me and my friends, heheheeh i like that hashtag, wow this is fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 12,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27808489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trinasmendel/pseuds/trinasmendel
Summary: what it says on the tin😌i’m concerned for me and my friendsmany mature themes and lots of mature content. you've been warned, kids.
Relationships: Dr. Charlotte/Cordelia (Falsettos), Marvin & Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Marvin & Trina (Falsettos), Mendel Weisenbachfeld & Everyone, Trina & Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Trina (Falsettos) & Everyone, Trina/Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Whizzer Brown & Everyone, Whizzer Brown & Trina, Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 200
Kudos: 57





	1. part one

Whizzer: “A ~S E X T A P E~?”  
Mendel: “DONT PUT THAT INTO MY MIND.”  
Mendel: “I WON’T BE ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT ALL NIGHT”

—

Whizzer: “A little upset that there was no choking involved but you know you can’t win them all.”

—

Marvin: “still thinking though and 😳”  
Trina: “what exactly are you thinking about here?”  
Marvin: “you really don’t want to know it’s quite,,,, not appropriate.”

—

Jason: “ .🧔🏻  
🖍👕🖍  
👖”  
Marvin: “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK JASON”  
Jason: “it’s supposed to be Mendel”  
Marvin: “WHY DOES HE HAVE CRAYONS FOR ARMS?”  
Jason: “They’re the little stick thingies.”  
Jason: “You know, ‘hOmoSExUals’.”

—

Whizzer: “he LIES”  
Whizzer: “iDOIDOIDO”  
Mendel: “HE LIES”  
Mendel: “HE LIE”  
Mendel: “S”

—

Trina: “MARVIN SHIT UP”  
Trina: “SHUT”  
Trina: “FICK”

—

Whizzer: “oops i swear too much sorry i just passionately dislike aristocrats”  
Whizzer: “wait”  
Whizzer: “cats*”

—

Trina: “JASON, BE CAREFUL”  
Trina: “IF YOU FALL AND DIE I’LL KILL YOU.”

—

Jason: “I want that when i die after my kahoot and ball pit body puzzle.”

—

Whizzer: “Also why my lips like that”  
Jason: “They be sexy squid ward like.”

—

Trina: “The only time i’ll ever associate with m*rvin.”

—

Cordelia: “I am staring at her neck help.”  
Whizzer: “she has a very pretty neck to be fair”

—

Trina: “in case you haven’t guessed, i’m the friend who takes aesthetic photos of everyone else ❤️“  
Trina: “because i hate how i look in pics ❤️“

—

Trina: “okay but she’s not wrong-“

Mendel: “shes not and that’s why i hate it❤️”

—

Trina: “Bi culture is being attracted to them both.”

—

Whizzer: “im ~exhausted~ and for what.”

Whizzer: “it’s only 9:30”

Whizzer: “i’ve only watched two whole seasons of criminal minds.”

Whizzer: “this is bullshit.”

—

Mendel: “oopsie i just spilled water over everything in my room”

Marvin: “I-“

Trina: “are you ok-“

Mendel: “i forgot everything was covered in water and i just stepped in a puddle.”

Mendel: “help”

—

Trina: “what do you eat when you don’t want to eat?”

Jason: “i c e”

Cordelia: “candy!!!”

—

Mendel: “HELP IM CRHINF”

Mendel: “CRIMGN”

Mendel: “CYI”

Mendel: “CRUIGN”

Mendel: “CRYING”

—

Mendel: “THIS IS WHY I DON’T READ FANFICTIONS I CANT HANDLE THE EMOTIONS.”

—

Whizzer: “name one str8 female member of the MCU”

Mendel: “Peter Parker”

Mendel: “wait.”

—

Jason: “no hablo mucho espresso”

—

Jason: “*sends a photo of something expensive he wants to buy online*”

Jason: “I need to take out a mortgage.”

Trina: “that’s definitely not what mortgage means.”

—

Mendel: “I’m still not over the fact that you guys don’t call people fab oh my god.”

Whizzer: “No one says that.”

—

jasonchess427 named the chat “🐌 s n o i l”

Whizzer: “what the fuck is a snoil”

Jason: “,,,,”

Jason: “,,,snail but smol,,,”

—

Trina: “also i cried in maths like the sexy bitch i am also and now i have to see the teacher at interval tomorrow 😌✨✨”

Trina: “she said she was  
✨worried abt my mental health✨”

—

Trina: “boys like that give me such m*rvin vibes i hate them.”

—

Whizzer: “let me just say that me, huge can of monster and politics are not the best mix.”

—

Trina: “don’t let her affect your happiness she’s a bitch-“

Trina: “pardon the fucking language folks”

—

Marvin: i got dragged to see endgame in the cinema and everyone was having a breakdown,, not fun 😃👍


	2. chaos continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no summary needed
> 
> bi trina included
> 
> the tkf is iconic bye

whizzer: i 

whizzer: am

whizzer: going

whizzer: to

mendel: i don’t know what cinnamon tastes like

whizzer: be

trina: i would,,, also like to suck his dick but THATS BESIDES THE POINT

whizzer: switzerland 

mendel: i would like to learn

-

mendel: imagine divorcing sutton foster like rip to christian borle but i’m built different✨✨ ✨✨✨✨✨

cordelia: yeah like i love him but where was his taste in that moment i-

-

trina: i’m just a ✨bad bitch✨ you know how i be

trina: i need to go to therapy 

-

marvin: y’all i am going to hell-

whizzer: omg let’s carpool

-

trina, at whizzer : the standards for men were on the floor and you took out a fucking shovel

-

trina: YOU NEED SLEEP!!!!!

whizzer: no i dont

whizzer: i’m gay

-

whizzer: choose a topic <3

trina: uhm

trina: horny

trina: idk

-

whizzer: omg the police are here right on cue

marvin: WHAT

marvin: WHY

marvin: WHAT HAPPENED

whizzer: ~officer davey~ what’s up my man

-

trina: WHIZZER GO TO FUCKING SLEEP

whizzer: NO XX

whizzer: SLEEP IS FOR PUSSIES AMD STRAIGHT PEOPLE

-

mendel: exactyrdnfnjdskdjjrrjrj 

mendel: exacty

mendel: exacto knife

mendel: kachow 

-

mendel: sheep with exacto knife

mendel: baachow

mendel: that’s it i’ve reached my peak

-

whizzer: should i put the end of a charger in my mouth again

marvin: NO

whizzer: why noy 

whizzer: not

trina: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

charlotte: WHAT THE FUCK 

whizzer: BC

whizzer: ITS FUN

trina: ELECTRIC SHOCK YOU DUMB BITCH

whizzer: it tastes spicy

marvin: NO

marvin: N

marvin: O

-

trina: NO

trina: NOT

trina: IN

trina: YOUR

trina: MOUTH

whizzer: title of your sex tape xx

-

trina: kristen bell 🤝 paget brewster  
tits


	3. even more chaos (ft. sexy fish and furries who are not furries)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part three part three part three

whizzer: why does the time keep changing

marvin: what time

mendel: the time

whizzer: the time

-

whizzer: i’ve just started my second monster

whizzer: AND I ONLY BOUGHT TWO UGH

trina: whizzer 

trina: you’re sick

trina: maybe monster isn’t the best thing for you right now

mendel: MONSTER WHILE YOURE SICK IS THE BEAT

mendel: IT MAKES BRAIN AND SICK GO BRRRRR

mendel: it’s 12:30 am👁👄👁

marvin: i have to go do a passage analysis dhmu

whizzer: EXACTLY

marvin: please i’m gonna have a full breakdown in my english class

whizzer: brain go numb

marvin: should i just pull a trina so i can leave

trina: whizzer NO

whizzer: do it no balls

mendel: fuck yeah trina trina trina trina

-

whizzer: is it weird I found ferb from phinneas and ferb hot as a child

trina: yes. 

trina: that is

trina: very weird

whizzer: okay <3

trina: all i’m saying is vanessa stays winning

cordelia: vanessa was hot

cordelia: YES

trina: EXACTLY THANK YOU

-

mendel: WE ARE HAVING AN INTELECTUAL CONVERSATION ABOUT NICK WILDE AND LOLA FROM SHARK TALE

mendel: THEY ARE SO HOT AND FOR WHAT

cordelia: L O L A 

mendel: I WANNA GET PEGGED BY LOLA PERIOD

-

mendel: i see your vanessa- i raise you lola<3

mendel: from shark tale<3

trina: what is it with your obsession with lola <3 from shark tale <3

whizzer: no judgements here

whizzer: she’s hot asf

trina: but

mendel: I WANT

mendel: THAT FUCKING FISH

cordelia: okay but,,, colette

trina: dont say peg you pls

mendel: TO R A I L M E 

trina: C O L E T. T E

mendel: C O L E T T E 

whizzer: AAAAAAAAAA

mendel: colette and lola rail me challenge go

trina: i’m concerned for the fact that you want to fuck a fish

-

jason: what does milf mean

whizzer: OH NO

trina: uhm

trina: mom id like to friend <3

mendel: trina. 

-

marvin: mendel exactly how many cartoon animals do you want to bang

mendel: ...

mendel: MY NAME IS SHANE YAW YES MY REAL NAME AND I GO ON RECORD SAYING I AM NOT A FUCKING PEDOPHILE

mendel: okay let me count hold on

trina: oh boy

-

whizzer: *sends a photo of chat noir*

whizzer: is he a furry yes or no because i want to fuck him

trina: WHAT

whizzer: HES A HUMAN STFU

trina: I DONT THINK HES A FURRY-?/!/!

mendel: NO HES JUST A SUPERHERO

trina: IS HE A FURRY OR NOT

trina: DO WE HAVE TO TAKE THIS TO TRIAL

whizzer: yes 

mendel: all in favor of not a furry say i

whizzer: i

trina: i

mendel: i

mendel: it’s concluded then

trina: well done everyone


	4. part four: ft. trina’s obsession with  nicole kidman’s ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> can you tell we had all just watched the prom

whizzer: marvin i think you have road rage but like- life rage

trina: there’s a technical term for that

trina: i think it’s called anger issues

-

whizzer: guess the celebrity🍆🚙👩❤️💋👩

mendel: sarah paulson

-

whizzer: my top kin is richie tozier, followed by klaus<3, then fucking JD, and then emmett from twilight

marvin: THATS,,,,, A SLIGHTLY WIDE RANGE

mendel: i kin fucking remy the rat it’s true

-

whizzer: the way i just almost slipped and saw god

whizzer: SORRY THAT WAS OFF TOPIC

whizzer: i could hear angels singing i swear i was on my way to heaven

-

trina: hi what noise does an elevator make

mendel: whhHiIhRrTReT

-

whizzer: what even is a papaya

jason: idk but i’m allergic to it

trina: *takes a bite of pizza and starts crying*

marvin: my brother poisoned me

-

whizzer: 🎶 BRING ME A LITTLE WATER NOWWWW BRING ME A LITTLE WATER SYLVIE 🎶 

mendel: SURE!

-

whizzer: but i raise you- sarah paulson

trina: *screaming* DADDY PAULSON

-

whizzer: YOU READY TO PLAY SOME B BALL

marvin: NO

cordelia: I PLAY B BALL

mendel: BASKET BALL BASKET BALL I LOVE BASKETBALL

trina: i was gonna send the video but i might send a video of laura benanti stripping instead is that cool with everyone

whizzer: mhm

whizzer: i have the b ball video saved if that's what you're sending

trina: *sends the video*

trina: no it’s just laura benanti now

-

mendel: she won’t let me eat fucking dirt

mendel: getting a divorce 

-

whizzer: guys who’s the top mendel or trina there is a right answer

marvin: neither 

trina: HOW-???

jason: trinas a switch-

trina: how the fuck do YOU know that

-

whizzer: help

whizzer: help

trina: silk pajamas are cute beauty is pain

whizzer: help

mendel: what

trina: WHAT

whizzer: help

-

trina: i have spanish class in 6 minutes kill me now

whizzer: soup

whizzer: hola

trina: put me out of my misery

mendel: bonjour

trina: end me

mendel: wait

whizzer: BONJOUR

whizzer: ciao

mendel: SORRY I DONT DO SAPNISH

trina: yo soy

trina: want to dead

mendel: ITALIAN

whizzer: dora

trina: SAPNIHS

-

mendel: pretend to die

cordelia: thanks

cordelia: i’ll do that

whizzer: don’t pretend coward

cordelia: gonna go due

whizzer: it’s nerf or nothing

-

cordelia: THE WAY. NICOLE KIDMAN. SAYS.   
D E E D E E

whizzer: The way Nicole Kidman

trina: nicole kidman 

-

trina: THE OTHER DAY I SAID RENO SWEENEY WAS BI BECAUSE I REFUSED TO HAVE A STRAIGHT COMFORT CHARACTER STOP

cordelia: RENO SWEENEY BI 🥰

trina: BI RENO !!

mendel: SHE’S TOO SEXY TO BE STRAIGHT

trina: EXACTLY THANK YOU HAVE YOU SEEN BLOW GABRIEL BLOW

marvin: Y’all going hard on the straights today goddamn

whizzer: I always go hard o. The straigjrs

-

whizzer: today i literally just took a day off to be gay it’s so bad

cordelia: i don’t see what’s bad about that

whizzer: i needed to be gay in the hours from 8-3 🥰🥰

trina: working 9 to 5, gaying 8 to 3

-

charlotte: i love my little hufflepuff girlfriend she’s 5’1👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩

-

mendel: look at this graph

mendel: 😀🤜📉

trina: it’s going down 

whizzer: uh oh

trina: that’s not good

whizzer: is it yelling timber

-

whizzer: be prepared for Nicole kidmans ass

mendel: That sounds either like a threat or a temptstion (?)

trina: it’s a gift

trina: we want a gift

trina: but only if it’s nicole kidman’s ass

-

trina: Brb gotta touch Nicole Kidman's ass

whizzer: see you later

-

whizzer: everyone step right up to our nicole kidmans ass exhibit $35.87 a touch

trina: I WILL PAY ALL THE MONEY

-

whizzer: not to suck my dick but i looked hot today

-

trina: nicole kidman

trina: ass tits she has it all

whizzer: nicole kidman

whizzer: M

whizzer: I

whizzer: L

whizzer: F

-

trina: will i ever stop talking about nicole kidman’s ass? probably not

-

mendel: the definition of milf is trina so true

-

mendel: eating pussy

trina: m 

-

jason: I would like to anounce the fact again that im a 😡MINOR 😡

-

whizzer: trina what are we setting on fire

trina: my mother

marvin: STOP


	5. more chaos more chaos ft. fall out boy and the goodnight song from how i met your mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part five wowowowow
> 
> i’m so glad other people find this entertaining too bye

mendel: i want nicole kidman to give me some zazz<3

trina: i want nicole kidman’s legs around my head

trina: that too

-

trina: eat or paguette brüsteré will get you

whizzer: i’m gonna eat my cat. it’s too loud. 

-

marvin: do NOT eat chalk

marvin: it is NOT good for your lungs

mendel: all chalk is edible if you try hard enough

whizzer: *sends a photo of chalk*

whizzer: these things

trina: they look like sponges

trina: i’m in

whizzer: AGREED

-

trina: i cry far too much for my well being

whizzer: oh god you do

whizzer: if you think i’m bad-

whizzer: trin i love you babes but please see a psychiatrist 😻

trina: TOUCHY SUBJECT

-

whizzer: night night trina...

whizzer: night night trina

whizzer: it’s time to go to bed my silly little trina

mendel: night night trina

whizzer: time to rest your little head

trina: does anyone even care i’m TRYINF TO EDUCATE YALL

whizzer: SHALALALALA

whizzer: SHALALALALALA

[trina.w.5278 has removed whizzbrown69]

mendel: goodnight my silly little trina 

mendel: SHALALALA

[trina.w.5278 has removed mendel.w.5278]

-

mendel: IM IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN AND I KNOW HER ABOUT AN HOUR

marvin: seems pretty true to you

-

trina: how many people do you have to kill for it to be considered a mass murder

mendel: how🤌 can 🤌a 🤌teacher🤌 assign 🤌6 🤌quizzes 🤌in 🤌one 🤌day 🤌

whizzer: maybe five trin

whizzer: SIX

whizzer: WHAT

whizzer: kill six ppl

whizzer: one for each quiz

-

trina: they won’t poke your brain honey

mendel: i’m convinced they will

trina: just shove it up your nose till you see the face of god

mendel: i don’t want them touching the inside of my head

whizzer: NOT THE FACE OF GOD

trina: spoiler alert: god looks a lot like matthew gray gubler

trina: coincidence? i think not. 

-

trina: HI GUYS

whizzer: SUP

mendel: hello wife and problem child. i love you both 

-

trina: tag yourself in that sarah video i’m sandra reaching for the bottle of tequila

-

whizzer: ACKSKKDKFDKAKSKDJDJRJ

whizzer: MY BROTHER ATE ALL THE FUCKING ICE CREAM

trina: OH NO-

whizzer: IM GOING TO MAKE A WAFFLE AND EAT IT OUT OF RAGE

trina: LFNSKKAKASJJWKWJEJRFJA

whizzer: IM GOINF TO COMMINT ARSON

whizzer: KDNSNQNWKWJWIWIWIWIEIRUR

trina: ~it’s just some arson~

-

trina: also i’m currently listening to fall out boy in my car i’ve either reached the highest or lowest point of my life 

whizzer: the highest ~so far~

trina: why thank you

whizzer: anytime fellow rat

trina: FELLOW RAT

-

mendel: IF i do decide to have kids in the future you bet one of them is going to be named moira rose and another called trina

-

whizzer: you 🤝 awkward cute guys

trina: STOP

trina: THE CALLOUT

-

whizzer: you’re woleocme

trina: woleocme

whizzer: whalecum

mendel: 🐳 

-

whizzer: in the words of our lord and savior

whizzer: ariana grande

trina: CAN YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT

trina: FUCK ME TILL THE DAYLIGHT

whizzer: OR THAT-

mendel: yes

-

cordelia: but she likes men 🤧

trina: rip

cordelia: rip 

trina: but he likes men🤧

cordelia: solidarity rip us

trina: men lover rejection solidarity 

-

mendel: they say you are what you eat but since when am i a milf

trina: STOP


	6. part six ft. even MORE horny trindel and the mental illness of kraft mac and cheese

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa these are getting so much love/support and as a validation whore i’m really grateful for that so thank you all for reading and i will continuously update this as i get new content from my idiot friends so ty ily all
> 
> also happy holidays to all! i hope the holiday season is the least stressful as possible for all of you mwah

whizzer: my neck just cracked so bad

whizzer: i think i broke it 

whizzer: whee

trina: smiley face :)

marvin: NO-??

-

whizzer: it’s time for HOMIE CHECKPOINT

whizzer: you good fuckdicks?

mendel: homie check point yeyeyeyeye

whizzer: Love homie check points yee yee yee

marvin: lowkey wanna kill someone

trina: i often wider if i’m okay

trina: i have come to the conclusion that i’m not

-

trina: d’you ever just want to commit a federal felony

trina: for fun

trina: alliteration wowowowow

-

trina: my brother just nailed me in the vagina with the biggest snowball and imma be honest that shit hurt...😓

mendel: pardon😃

mendel: i thought you made a typo at first😃 oh no😃

whizzer: your brother WHAT

mendel: TRINA THAT WAS NOT THE BEST WORD CHOICE

whizzer: “my brother just nailed me in the vagina”  
\- trina 2020

trina: *sends a photo of the back of her spandex which are soaking wet*

mendel: TRINA

trina: LOOK HOW FUCKING WET

whizzer: STOP

trina: i’m gonna do it again.....

whizzer: trina’s wet ass after her brother nailed her in the vagina everyone.

-

trina: anyone have any advice on how to get my brain to shut up i hate it here

trina: i got mendel and jason yelling at me to feel alright but besties you forgot to explain how 😀

-

mendel: hey lol *bites lip like lin cutely*

whizzer: hey lol *sharts on your dog*

trina: hey lol *marries ex husbands therapist cutely*

-

marvin: i cant stand you

whizzer: then sit down

marvin: fuck off

whizzer: ok

-

trina: i should get tested for so much shit 

trina: adhd  
depression  
anxiety  
being too fucking sexy  
depression

-

whizzer: my mental illnesses:  
\- anxiety  
\- adhd  
\- being attracted to men  
\- listening to cavetown  
\- depression  
\- thinking men are hot  
\- falling in love with everyone on my fyp  
\- trindel hyperfixtation  
\- depression  
\- kraft mac and cheese

-

mendel: yummy milf

mendel: MILK

trina: no you had it right the first time


	7. part seven holy shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guys the way this has gotten so much bigger than i ever though please i’m so glad people actually enjoy this
> 
> also this chapter is our bi mendel debut i believe😁🥂 my favorite bi boy and his unmistakably bi wife 🥰🤝

whizzer: time to put out my candles because my mom said i cant burn down the whole house what a party shitter

-

mendel: they say you are what you eat which means i’m a pussy and a dick but did they lie absolutely not

-

trina: i have two moods  
gay  
straight  
and suicidal

trina: wait

-

mendel: i have a lot of questions about ahs but my biggest concern: what the actual hell is wrong with ryan murphy that guy needs some therapy needs some psych ward time

-

trina: i’ve just always been a jo call me basic i dare you i’ll stomp on your grave

mendel: stomp on my grave anyways

trina: PLEASE

-

whizzer: HEY BABYGIRL😘😘 ITS YOUR BOY😍😍 SHEMAR MF MOORE😜🤣

trina: MY BOY HONDO GOT A SUPRISE FOR YOU 😍😍MAKE SURE YOU CATCH SWAT THIS THURSDAY 🤩😩 OR YOU MIGHT BE CATCHING SOMETHING ELSE FROM ME 🤫🤪 LAUGH BABY🤣🤣 ISSA JOKE

trina: i hate myself sometimes

-

whizzer: is this when you ate grass

trina: what

mendel: yes

mendel: it is

-

trina: whizzer give me the braincell

mendel: whizzer share the braincell

marvin: what? the one braincell we all share?

trina: when i don’t have the braincell my default is crying over sutton foster

-

whizzer: where did he come from

whizzer: where did he go

whizzer: where did he come from

mendel: idk

whizzer: colton eyes joe

mendel: COGTEE

mendel: COYTEN EYE JOW

-


	8. special edition: me and my friend as trindel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> literally  
> just  
> out of context snippets  
> from my friend and i’s dms  
> but it’s trindel  
> pls enjoy

trina: moira and vivien moira and vivien

trina: anyways

trina: stream ahs even though it’s super fucking gorey because it has hot milfs

mendel: oh i will, moira and vivien moira and vivien moira and vivien moira and vivien moira and vivien moira and vivien

mendel: well have fun scaring the shit out of urself 😃👍

trina: thanks i will

-

trina: it’s good and it has sarah paulson

mendel: am i supposed to know her

trina: yes

trina: i’m blocking you

mendel: WAIT

mendel: I KNOW HER

mendel: FROM OCEANS EIGHT

trina: YES OCEANS EIGHT

trina: SUCH A GAY MOVIE

-

mendel: *sends a rickroll*

trina: i hate you

mendel: <3

trina: fuck off

mendel: mendel 1, t dog 0

trina: T DOG

-

trina: they’re hooking up in his office it’s true

mendel: Im so sorry im gonna need visual proof

mendel: just to confirm nothing else

trina: i’m a visual learne r

mendel: do you have the tapes 

trina: hotchniss sex tape so true

-

mendel: did she [sutton foster] take alby from you

trina: she did not but if she wanted alby i would let her have him

-

trina: fun fact

trina: did you know

trina: paget brewster worked in a whorehouse for three days

mendel: i did not know that

mendel: thank you

-

mendel: u have a good taste in women.

trina: i know i do. 

-

mendel: shut up im not gay

trina: you just sent me 20 gifs of matthew gray gubler

-

trina: yes cat and reid hottest couple besides hotchniss award

mendel: WAIT

mendel: THEY DATE

mendel: DADDY AND MOMMY DATE?

trina: YES

-

mendel: Oh sweety, ur in denial

mendel: i will never say sweety again it was just a sweety moment

-

mendel: it’s okay little trintrin

trina: lil deldel 

mendel: oh cmon you can do better than that

trina: lil mendelpoo 

mendel: shut up

mendel: hoe

trina: GOT HIM

-

trina: i’ve just remembered that emily prentiss doesn’t exist and now i’m upset

-

mendel: NO MALE PREGNANT EMOJI

mendel: SEXISM AT ITS FINEST

-

mendel: screw you

trina: screw me urself you coward

mendel: k

trina: HELP


	9. literally just chaos ft. our new mutual ahs obsession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the way we’re to chapter nine already wtf

whizzer: they soell sleep like slepe

mendel: THAT HAS ME IN FUXKIN TWATS

mendel: WAIT 

mendel: TEARS NOT 

mendel: NOT TWATS

trina: slepe like pepe

whizzer: PEPE

trina: TWATS

-

whizzer: in the words of shemar moore

marvin: jesus christ

-

jason: cat ass in face not poggers 

trina: mmm pussy

-

mendel: CLANG

mendel: he’s gone

whizzer: wh

-

whizzer: if one more person tags me in that chain i’m going to delete my account

trina: not that many people love me so i’m chillin 😏🙏🏻

whizzer: TRINA NO

-

whizzer: trina’s spam bio is “mendel’s/slut” send tweet

trina: WHAT

marvin: GOODBYE

-

trina: Slut

whizzer: trina

mendel: PAW PATRIM PAW PARTOEL WELL BE YHETE OFN THE ODUBLE

-

trina: LANA BABY

trina: SHES FREE SHES OUT BUT IM ASSUMING NOT FOR LONG

mendel: LANA

whizzer: laan vanaab lesbian

-

trina: sarah paulson saying i’ve been a bad bad girl send tweet

-

anyone that’s not mendel talking about trina: i would like to hold her hand but nothing else because i'm scared mendel may murder me

same person: it’s an honest concern 

-

whizzer: I BET YA I CAN MAKE A RHYME

whizzer: OUT OF EVERYBODYS NAME

trina: LANA

mendel: LANA LANA BO BANA

mendel: FE FI FO FANA

whizzer: MENDEL IS STARTING NOW GOOD LUCK

-

trina: elle greenaway is a a lesbian lesbian and lesbian lesbian lesbians lesbian lesbian gay lesbian lesbian lesbians lesbian lesbian gay lesbian lesbian

-

trina: i'm going on a gay movie watchihn spree

trina: pls

whizzer: are you should

whizzer: as

-

trina: anyways stream ahs baes...... for the name game.... and sarah paulson being sexy and shooting men..... it’s great fun...

-

trina: just ran away from my family in the middle of target 

trina: anyways i’m grabbing an oversized acdc sweatshirt, some gay jeans and a monster energy and heading to checkout 

trina: we’ll see if i’m an orphan or boy

trina: **not

mendel: i want gay jeans damn

whizzer: Ah, yes. The two genders: Orphan or boy

-

whizzer: also who the fuck names their child taylor

whizzer: like sorry to miss swifts parents but

whizzer: if you name your child taylor you’re going to hell

-

trina: mm ya know what would feel good in my hand right now

trina: a glock

whizzer: i thought this was going a completely different direction but i’m totally here for it


	10. PART TEN WTF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holy shit we’re at part ten
> 
> thank you for all the support on these dumb little things i hoard in my notes app
> 
> thank you to my friends (and me <33) for being idiots

whizzer: i see apple bottom jeans

whizzer: boots with the fur

whizzer: WITH THE FUR

whizzer: the whole club looking at her

trina: she hit the floor

mendel: she hit the floor

trina: next thing you know

mendel: shawty got low low low low low low low low

trina: jessica

mendel: did you sleep with your god damn teacher

-

whizzer: ~trina~! did you sleep with your goddamn ~psychiatrist~

whizzer: mr ~weisenbachfeld?~ mr. ~weisenbachfeld.~

-

whizzer: trina where are you in asylum

trina: what

trina: oh

trina: i thought you asked why i was in asylum

whizzer: no i know the answer to that

-

whizzer: hold on i’m having new years dinner i’ll be back

cordelia: have fun dont choke !!

whizzer: and i would usually make a sex joke about that but i’m tired so

trina: or do choke that might make it more fun

whizzer: thank you

-

mendel: women in suits. my weakness.

trina: women in no clothes at all. my weakness. 

cordelia: women. my weakness. 

-

mendel: love thy apple juice

trina: loven’t thy marvin

-

cordelia: believe in yourself!

trina: no

whizzer: never

mendel: no thank you

-

whizzer: kermit says be gay do crime

whizzer: he was arrested in 1992

whizzer: tax evasion

-

marvin: guys who uses the word swag more trina or mendel there is a right answer

cordelia: mendel

marvin: trick question 

marvin: the answer is whizzer

whizzer: PLEASE

-

trina: okay so currently holding airpods, apple pen thingy looking thing, water bottle, perfume bottle and a makeup sponge

trina: i think that’s it

whizzer: all that under your tits wow thats an accomplishment

whizzer: congratulations 

trina: thank you

-

cordelia: last meal on death row go

mendel: trina

whizzer: i wonder if anyone has ever requested pussy as a final meal

trina: i’ll be the first

-

trina: milf milf enter my bed milf milf give me some head milf milf enter my bed milf milf give me some head milf milf enter my bed milf milf give me some head

mendel: i mean i’m no milf but i can do the other parts

-

whizzer: you may be verified on twitter 

whizzer: but are you verified

whizzer: in the eyes of god

trina: no

trina: i’m neither

-

trina: be scared of me

whizzer: never

trina: why not

whizzer: bc you’re really baby but act scary <3

trina: just because

trina: i am very soft

trina: for certain people

trina: does NOT mean you can bully me about it

trina: grrrrr

mendel: awehehehehe

-

jason: My cereal is corny

mendel: read that as horny and was slightly concerned for a hot sec-

trina: horny nut cheerios 

-

trina: help there is so much candle wax underneath my nails and i just tried to bite my nails

-

whizzer: TRINA WHY THE FUCK IS THERE CANDLE WAX UNDER YOUR NAILD

trina: BECAUSE I STUXK MY FINGER IN THE CANDLE

whizzer: WHT CANDLE

trina: MY CADNEL

-

jason: i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m fucking illiterate

jason: thank you for your time

-

trina: are you fucking dumb

mendel: yes

mendel: sorry

-

mendel, to trina: you know who i kin.... you.

mendel, to trina: you know who i ship.... you and me.

mendel, to trina: you know who i stan.... us.

-

trina: milf in a bikini🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

mendel: milf in a suit??🥺🥺

trina: milf in me🥺🥺

-

mendel: it’s illegal to think about death if you’re gay. it’s true.

whizzer: but

whizzer: but you gotta die sometime tho

trina: but death is sexy bro

mendel: NO ITS NOT !!

-

trina: that’s it I’m becoming voldemort

whizzer: my horcruxes will be a droplet of water and a singular tortilla chip

-

trina: i love you bitch

mendel: I AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU

mendel: B I T C H

mendel: oh shit that wasn’t a vine reference 

mendel: i love you too

-

trina: all the way all the holes amen god bless america

trina: i’m talking about mini golf..... you have a dirty mind....

-

mendel: she makes heart go brrrr

mendel: my wife my wife my wife

mendel: aweheheheheheeeeerrrrrreeer

-

mendel: i don’t know what gaslighting means

mendel: i looked it up it said a lamp

mendel: i’m assuming it’s not a lamp

-

trina: you know what fuck you  
*Marvin*

-

marvin: is neptune california a real place

whizzer: what’s neptune

cordelia: what’s california

mendel: what’s a place

trina: what is real

-

jason: i’m back😏🤝

jason: sorry just my parents trying to convince me to go the fuck to therapy again lolzers

-


	11. part 11- featuring lots of bi trindel and idiotic tkf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a giant ass chapter because i’ve been forgetting to post whoopsies

trina: you’ve heard of enemies to lovers but may i present to you.....lovers to enemies

-

whizzer: OK HAVE FUN BAE TY YOU ARE AN ANGEL sometimes

trina: keyword sometimes but that’s incorrect i’m always an angel

whizzer: hey! dont lie to yourself babe xx

-

trina: not to flex or anything but i’m so good at baking this cookie slaps is this what it feels like to be god

-

trina: i’m converting to daoism they sound so swag

mendel: what’s daoism educate me

-

trina: judaism is swag too

-

trina: i just ate blueberry oats 😆

mendel: what the fuck is an oat

mendel: WAIT LIKE

mendel: THOSE LITTLE BITCHES IN OATMEAL

trina: YES?-?/?/?:

mendel: knew it

-

trina: i cant tell if they’re about to make a suicide pact or have sex

trina: romantic🥰🥰

-

trina: also update: they didn’t make a suicidal pact OR have sex

trina: boring

-

trina: WAIT

trina: I LIED

trina: THEY DID HAVE SEX

-

trina: car salesman: *slaps roof of me* this one can fit so much fucking bisexuality in it

-

mendel: my parents: i am going to create a child so unmistakably bisexual

-

trina: damn right i am swag

-

mendel: milf wall

mendel: concept

mendel: milf board

trina: mmmmmilf

-

trina: getting kidnapped doesn't seem so bad

trina: cause like- at least someone wants you

-

trina: too stressed to be blessed😏👆

mendel: that’s... definitely not the saying

-

mendel: love is blimd

-

trina: guys i’ve reached peak mendel

mendel: oh no

whizzer: did you eat dirt

trina: no

trina: so maybe not peak mendel but pretty close

-

mendel: i want

mendel: quinn tyler

mendel: to destroy me

trina: she has glasses and she’s a brunette and she’s a soprano

trina: of course you do

mendel: you know who else fits that criteria 

whizzer: who?????

mendel: ...

mendel: WIFE

trina: ah yes of course

-

cordelia: if you weren’t alive, I would resurrect you, and then kill you again

cordelia: and then I would resurrect you one more because id feel bad

-

trina: jason move your goddamn magnetic chess board i’m trying to look at mendel

-

trina: feeling: bi as hell

-

whizzer: multiple bullet wounds *nods and takes notes*

-

marvin: *opens a closed door*

jason: *closes an open door*

trina: *opens an open door*

marvin: witchcraft. 

mendel: *closes a closed door*

whizzer: *doors a closed open*

-

whizzer: HE TRIED TO FUCK MY WIFE

trina: Oh

trina: I see

marvin: been there before

mendel: it wasn’t me

marvin: ...

mendel: i swear

marvin: sure

trina: it’s true i was the wife

-

jason: they had seggs on the CRAFTING TOBLEEE

mendel: who

jason: you

mendel: no- no i did not

trina: why not

mendel: dear god

-

trina: mmmm my playlist is playing madonna mmmmmm

mendel: we are living in material world anf i am a material girl

whizzer: life in plastic it's fantastic

trina: it’s actually like a virgin but

-

trina: guys i love the simpsons 

whizzer: yellow peopl

-

whizzer: it’s a mutual theft

-

trina: god complex whizzer god complex whizzer

whizzer: i think you mean god. 

trina: god god

mendel: i just drank an entire capri sun in under thirty seconds

mendel: hand me the god title

-

whizzer: i’ve never had a capri sun maybe that’s why i’m depressed

-

trina: sarah paulsons parents: i am going to create a bitch that is so fucking sexy

-

trina: oh to be able to do wings in gold heel tap shoes like sutton foster

trina: oh to have gold heel tap shoes like sutton foster

trina: oh to be sutton foster

trina: sutton foster 

-

trina: mmmmmm cute man

trina: i like cute men

trina: we been knew

-

cordelia: fuck men

trina: yes fuck men they’re sexy

-

trina: i’m rewatching celeste and jesse forever to ignore the fact that my life is crumbling around me

trina: and may i say that rashida jones is fucking sexy in glasses 

-

whizzer: “all girls are bi, you just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual”

mendel: remind you of anyone trina...

whizzer: the way you’re both

trina: I HATE YOU 

trina: FUCK OFF

-

trina: go touch some grass

trina: grass rhymes with ass

trina: we can make it a poem

whizzer: YES

whizzer: I WILL GO TOUCH SOME ASS

trina: i want to go touch the grass  
i want to go touch some ass

-

whizzer: lesbians are the reason america isn’t a part of mexico yet

cordelia: what

cordelia: i mean you’re right but who snitched

-

mendel: we live in a society 

trina: bold of you to assume we live

mendel: god tests me every day trina and you’re only testing me more

trina: that was the purpose

-

mendel: serious question 

mendel: how come no one remembers learning the alphabet 

whizzer: i don’t

trina: that’s because you still don’t know the alphabet 

whizzer: a b c d e f g h

whizzer: shut the fuck or or i’ll stomp on you

whizzer: p 🎶 

-

whizzer: first ariana grande song that comes to your mind go

trina: uh

trina: BABY YOU MIGHT NEED A SEAT BELT WHEN I ~RIDE IT~

mendel: wha

trina: CAN YOU STAY UP ALL NIGHT FUCK ME TILL THE DAYLIGHT 34 35 ‼️

mendel: 34 35?

trina: means i wanna 69 with ya

mendel: m e ?

trina: ITS THE SONG

trina: but yes

-

trina: fuck me

trina: wrong answers only

mendel: whoa whoa at least let me take you out to dinner first

trina: I SAID WRONG ANSWERS 

-

mendel: picture this

mendel: an american in paris

mendel: but everyone is gay

whizzer: that would be s’wonderful

trina: i hate it here

-

whizzer: how good can YOU fuck a bitch?

trina: the best 

mendel: don’t call her a bitch that’s mean

trina: HER WHO

-

whizzer: you know often times i feel as if i might be god

-

trina: oh to be petunia mulaney

trina: i, too, would like to look upon my sovereign and tremble 

trina: WAIT

mendel: trina what the fuck 

trina: I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT

trina: I SWEAR

-

whizzer: i haven’t checked my gmail in seven weeks

marvin: what’s gmail

-

whizzer: trina i’m going to ask you one (1) question and i need you to answer honestly and truthfully okay

trina: okay

whizzer: how many times have you listened to driver’s license in the past two days

trina: ...

trina: i prefer not to answer

whizzer: TRINA

-

trina: i love my science teacher

whizzer: you have authority issues

trina: NOT LIKE THAT

-

whizzer: eenie meenie miney mo 

whizzer: i will slam a hammer into your toe

-

mendel: can i just say that if anything happens its probably the duolingo bird

mendel: i made him sad

whizzer: rip mendel-

mendel: put fucker of mothers on my grave

trina: WHAT

-

mendel: i was fucking gaslighted into my school mathletes program

-

trina: she’s living in his sweaters and in his sheets amen god bless america 🙏


	12. part twelve ft. our undying mutual love for sutton foster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> grrrrsnarlsnarlbarkabrm bakrbrkab

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains adult content😏☝️
> 
> that’s not new though

trina: platonically complementing his head skills i’m out

-

trina: “ah susan look at this lovely dildo”

-

trina: buy one get one

trina: two wanks for the price of one

-

whizzer: stalk the perv see if he goes to the sex shop

trina: no he’s stanky

mendel: ambush him with soap and shit

whizzer: dress up as a whore and see if he buys you

trina: he’d better

trina: i’d be a hot whore

mendel: WHIZZER/?/!

-

whizzer: everybody fuck their cousins !!

marvin: my cousin is eight years old

whizzer: everybody fuck their cousins except marvin !!

-

marvin: amen

trina: a-nal

whizzer: making the church proud

-

mendel: eponine supremacy if i was marius i’d choose her in a heartbeat

-

trina: give me kisses instead i want them

trina: fucking bitch

-

mendel: my wife   
wife wife wife  
mmmmmmmmmmmmm wife  
wife awwweeeeeeeeee

mendel: wife hold my hand  
marry me me me   
mmmm ring size

-

trina: I COULD WRITE ESSAYS ON THE DEEP ROOTED SEXISM WHEN IT COMES TO COSETTE / CHRISTINE HATERS

mendel: i just

mendel: i just tbink eponine is pretty

-

marvin: i want to dropkick cosette

whizzer: i want to dropkick your sorry ass

-

mendel: sutton foster

trina: AA

mendel: that’s it that’s the text

whizzer: very true text oomf

-

mendel: if she goes down i’m going down with her

mendel: WAIT

mendel: THAT SOUNDED

mendel: VERY WRONG

mendel: I DIDNT MEAN IT

mendel: LIKE THAT

-

trina: oh sutton sutton ~foster~ isn’t it delightful playing easy

-

mendel: WIFE ‼️ I AM DEAD 😵 NO LONGER BREATHING 🤯 LUNGS NO WORK 🫁 NO THINK ❌ ONLY 🗣 WIFE 💍

trina: dear god

-

whizzer: punch the shit outta that fetus

whizzer: beat that bitch up

-

whizzer: omaha me o

whizzer: **nebraska

-

trina: deadass forgot i watched the confession tapes until 4am yesterday


	13. part 13 ft. our still flaming ahs obsession and trina being hella gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omg hey there
> 
> guys follow me on insta i post falsettos/cm/multifandom edits...  
> @lcveprcntiss.....  
> shameless self promo 101

trina: kit waper i love you

trina: WALKER***

whizzer: WAPER?-?/

-

mendel: ah yes, my favorite aslyum characters, kid water and lana del rey

-

trina: i saw him at price chopper the other day and i looked his mother dead in the eyes and said I CHEATED ON YOUR SON

-

mendel: i... never seek attention from people

trina: must be nice

-

marvin: TEARS IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS

-

whizzer: do your parents still do it

jason: i don’t think so since they don’t love each other anymore

-

marvin: i’m jewish

jason: i thought you were american

-

mendel: oh those biblical times 😫🤚💍🎶

-

trina: i want to fuck this man😁☝️🥰🥺🥺🥰🥺🤚🥰🥰💍💍🥺😁🥺

-

whizzer: i’m in math you dipshit

trina: i’m in denial

marvin: i’m in a car

mendel: vroom vroom

whizzer: no one cares

mendel: get out me car

mendel: awhhh

-

trina: if you could do anything

trina: right here

trina: right now

trina: who would it be

-

trina: crying in the club just want to feel the warm embrace of a milf what about you guys

-

mendel: literally no one on criminal minds is straight

whizzer: bisexual dream team 

trina: bisexual analysis unit

-

trina: i am such a whore for curly hair 

trina: if i ever go missing assume i’m in the bed of a man with curls

-

cordelia: lesbian sex

trina: lesbian sex. 

-

whizzer: no obviously we’re gonna kill the child

marvin: i want to feel the life squeeze out of it

mendel: dance party 💃 

-

trina: cordelia foxx use your witch shit on me

mendel: society if her and i recreated the snake sex scene

trina: society if i died in her arms like misty

cordelia: society if her and i burned incense and moon worshipped together

whizzer: society when cordelia foxx

trina: don’t you love it when cordelia

-

cordelia: i’ll see you there....u gay slut

whizzer: ok says you gay slut

mendel: i haven’t come out 🤨

trina: i saw gay slut

-

trina: guys i’ve never told anyone before but i want to fuck a woman

trina: not just a woman

trina: multiple women

whizzer: really ??

cordelia: don’t we all

-

mendel: society when all the milfs start doing this in their concerts

trina: society when you stop stealing me and whizzers texting habits 

mendel: SHUT UP

-

cordelia: fuck off trina the greeks when you steal their lettering habit

cordelia: wait who invented the alphabet

cordelia: me

-

whizzer: ok guys

whizzer: hold your horses

mendel: horses need to be held

trina: hold your horses like you hold a milfs tits

-

whizzer: babes

whizzer: why did you let go of the hordes 

whizzer: horses

whizzer: i specifically said

whizzer: hold them

-  
whizzer: i want to give daddy a blowé job

whizzer: wait no i don’t that sounds disgusting

trina: i’d give daddy a blow job 

trina: wait

trina: who is daddy

whizzer: mendel 

trina: yeah sign me the fuck up

-

whizzer: mental illness test

whizzer: finish this sentence

whizzer: life’s too short to ...

mendel: die

mendel: idk

whizzer: trina might get it

trina: EVEN CARE AT A LL WOAHHH

whizzer: IM LOSING MY MIND LOSING MY  
MIND LOSING CONTROLLL

-

whizzer: i sincerely apologize for implying the fact that they filmed a platonic sex tape

-

trina: tbh i would not put it past myself to sing a song about pussy

-

trina: assigned  
dicksucker  
at birth

whizzer: pussy licker

mendel: eating pussy 🤌🤌

-

trina: when ur bi and u fuck ur therapist

trina: 💕💕💕💕

-

whizzer: i am the lorax i speak for the trees

marvin: for the love

marvin: of mgg

marvin: pls 

marvin: sleep

whizzer: disrespect trindel again and i’ll break your fucken knees


	14. part 14 ft. very swag buggerinos and we live in a society (but she lives on a sapphic pirate ship)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more crack <3
> 
> also this just hit 500 hits which makes me oddly happy so thank you for letting this dumb little project make so many people laugh i really appreciate it mwah

whizzer: is it socially acceptable to sing the new girl theme song at all times

cordelia: it is !

mendel: WHOS THAT GIRL WHOS THAT GIRL ITS JESS

-

trina: if old enough to be my father, why sexy 🤨🧐😧

whizzer: daddy issues

mendel: daddy kink

trina: says you

mendel: DONT FUCKING EXPOSE ME

-

mendel: the bi ble

trina: lesbian milf god

whizzer: ariana was right

-

trina: for someone so afraid of sex im such a horny mother fucker

-

trina: ON HO

trina: OH NO

whizzer: OH NO

trina: ON HO-?!/?:

trina: now that

trina: that is where i’d like to be

-

mendel: the music man

mendel: he make music

trina: actually no he does not

mendel: oh

mendel: what does he do then

trina: he scams the people and fucks the librarian

-

trina: society when i stop crying for the first time in several hours🛫🏙🏢🛫🏢

-

mendel: do the boogie woogie

mendel: 🦂🦂

-

jason: buggy bug🦂🦂🦂

jason: buggy bug bug buggerino 🦂

jason: pogchamp buggerino🦂🦂

-

whizzer: MY BISEXUAL FRIEND WHEN THERE IS A SEX SCENE ON TV DO YOU LOOK AT THE MAN OR THE WOMAN

trina: i just

trina: flicker my eyes

cordelia: woman. 

mendel: or i just

mendel: don’t look at all

-

whizzer: i’d give him more than just a hug

trina: PLEASE

trina: same. 

whizzer: a ~special hug~

trina: horizontal hug

whizzer: exactly

-

trina: where😁 he 😁watches 😁her 😁while 😁she 😁sleeps😁

trina: THAT SOUNDS CREEPY

trina: ITS NOT

-

mendel: i wanna touch her hair more than her boobs that’s how you know it’s love

-

mendel: gonna play comfort music and write fanfiction in study hall to distract myself from the fact that i die 8th period today


	15. part FIFTEEN?? kinda short but hey what are you gonna do abt it (that’s what she said)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don’t even know what this is at this point

trina: owh fuck that hurts

trina: what doesn’t at this point

-

whizzer: i’ve concluded that i’m a god at ping pong

-

trina: my mental health is ~deteriorating~ 

trina: *aggressively throws it back*

mendel: i am ~mentally unstable~

mendel: *aggressively does military time steps*

-

cordelia: WOMEN !!

mendel: SO TRUE !!

trina: 👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩✂️👩❤️💋👩✂️✂️👩❤️💋👩

-

trina: tis i, bi jesus

trina: i’m in spanish rn but

whizzer: o chosen one 

trina: suck my dick mrs. fox i’m not doing your damn cumtural probject

trina: CULTURAL**

whizzer: CUMTURAL

mendel: STOP

mendel: mrs fox wants these hands?

trina: I DIDNT MEAN TO

trina: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT 

whizzer: what does the fox say

cordelia: ring ding ding

-

whizzer: GUYS

whizzer: OUR ENGLISH TEACHER??

whizzer: FIFTY FIVE YEARS OLD. 

trina: yes?

whizzer: SHE LOOKS LIKE SHES T H I R T Y 

marvin: that might be a stretch

mendel: she has a daughter in college..

mendel: i went to her bat mitzvah.. when i was in like- first grade?..

trina: you what. 

mendel: i went to her bat mitzvah-

trina: you. what. 

mendel: it’s not a fucking marriage proposal i was seven years old

-

mendel: get ready folks ‼️ jealous trinny trin trin🤫

trina: STOP IT

-

whizzer: i 

whizzer: am god

whizzer: bow down to me

trina: on my knees rn

trina: for something different but

mendel: oh

-

trina: biting my chain necklace to make horny guys stare at me in public is so fun

mendel: what the fuck 

-


	16. part 16 ft. sparkly cocks and trina spiraling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well well well well well well well welll
> 
> willwondersnevercease

mendel: okay so

mendel: what’s on your mind xx

trina: de a t h

-

trina: the smirk means whore knee or i am at my mental capacity and i will be ceasing to exist soon

trina: you can decide how to interpret

-

whizzer: why would you be admitted to briarcliff go

trina: many reasons

trina: including but not limited to

trina: - the murder of marvin   
\- gay

-

trina: my mom just got home time for living waking hell until she goes to bed at approximately 7:30pm

-

mendel: what is everyone’s dream job

trina: i read that as blowjob should i go to therapy

-

trina: he’s kinda hot

trina: that might just be the mental illness talking but

-

trina: leave me ALONE

mendel: that’s cute

trina: what’s cute. 

trina: oh you think that’s funny

-

trina: LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONEEE I LOVE HIM i love him

trina: me being eponine

trina: a thread

whizzer: “I LOVE HIM i love him”

whizzer: HELP

trina: cant wait for the last bit <4

whizzer: NO

-

whizzer: the girls are FIGHTING

trina: cat fight MEOW

marvin: DONT FUXXING HISS

whizzer: ill fucking hiss if i want to fucking hiss

-

mendel: been waiting to use this all fucking night

trina: that’s what she said

mendel: no that’s what YOU said

whizzer: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK 

-

trina: yeah sex is nice but have you ever said “i hope she was worth it” to a guy who ruined your life

whizzer: STOP ARE U OK

marvin: no bc guys hate me

-

trina: slept with someone on a couch or...

trina: ~slept~ with someone on a couch...

trina: because either way yes

-

trina: grrrrr

mendel: awhehehehe baby

-

mendel: welcome my homie🥰🤜

trina: are you welcoming by punching

mendel: it’s a fist bump. 

trina: odd way of welcoming but i support <3

trina: IF I WENT fuck you you cock i hate you 🤜🤜 WOULD YOU GO oh cool fist bump! 🤛🤛

whizzer: i would. 

mendel: no i would go cry

-

mendel: is eating cake for breakfast a sign of depression because if so boy have i got some  
news for you guys

-

mendel:   
oh trin trin trina  
tr i na   
miss trina i love you yeah bro  
trin trin. and all your milfs  
i love you bro   
mhm i do  
you can't say you love me more because i wrote a poem uh huh  
trin trinth   
trin trin i love you yeah bro

-

trina: they are fucking 

trina: ~on the couch~

mendel: who is

trina: we are

-

trina: society when someone dances in my kitchen with me to me and my husband

-

trina: dicks are bendy when they’re not hard but when they are it’s glow stick time

whizzer: STOP

trina: that’s our conclusion

cordelia: yes !

whizzer: does it light up and then you can have party time

trina: glow in the dark cock

whizzer: they should sparkle it’d make them more fun

trina: SPARKLY COCK

whizzer: sparkles make everything look more edible

mendel: EDIBLE

mendel: NO

trina: yes

trina: edible yes

-


	17. part 17 ft. whizzer and trina being gay besties and gloves vs. globes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow

trina: where ⁉️ are 😐 the 🤝 fucking 🔪 bananas 🍌

-

trina: i am in an indescribable amount of pain if anyone tests me at the moment i can and will go off the deep end

-

mendel: stop bullying me now <333

trina: my dear

trina: light of my eyes

trina: there is ALWAYS

trina: a reason

trina: to bully you

mendel: awww i love you teetee 👩❤️💋👨

mendel: NO

mendel: THATS MEAN

-

trina: hola

whizzer: bonjour bitchass 

-

trina: finger ~in the ass~

whizzer: STOP

trina: what

whizzer: ~in the ass~

trina: 👉🏻👌🏻 

trina: when ur a finger and ur in an ass

trina: 💕💕💕

whizzer: when ur a finger and ur in an ass

whizzer: bottom text

-

trina: i cna

trina: barely feel my hands

whizzer: gloves

whizzer: 🧤 

whizzer: everyone donate your 🧤 to the trina fund

cordelia: 🧤 

trina: please do

mendel: 🌏 

mendel: aait fuck 

mendel: glo v e

mendel: not glo b e

trina: someone donated the world

mendel: you deserve it

-

mendel: This js getting too sexual

whizzer: never too sexual

trina: everything is sexual with me

trina: that sounded very bad i’m sorry

-

whizzer, to trina: bestie get off that jewish boy and pay attention to me

-

trina: the THINGS I DO FOR THIS BOY IM A FUCKING WIFE I SWEAR

trina: I MADE HIM FUCKING CHICKEN NUGGEST

trina: AND THEN I H U G G E D H I M

-

trina: twerking in the piss

-

whizzer: ROAD TRIP

whizzer: I CALL SHIT GUN

whizzer: FUCK 

trina: SHIT GUN

mendel: SHIT GUN

marvin: SHIT GUN

cordelia: SHIT GUN

-

trina: i can say wee that’s french

mendel: qui u dumb bitch

-

whizzer: i will do ungodly things

marvin: murder

mendel: arson

cordelia: kidnapping

trina: playing the song dance monkey

-

trina: fun fact actually really really sad fact last night i broke my crying every night streak i was going on 6 days

trina: WAIT NO I DIDNT I CRIED OVER LANA

trina: streak=preserved 🤌

-

trina: i am a sutton foster whore first demon child of satan second

-

cordelia: there's a daddy behindme

mendel: daddy behind you?? what??

trina: daddy behind me

trina: nice concept

whizzer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-

mendel: HE WORSHIP

trina: he waps his wife

whizzer: HE PRAISES HER THIGH

-

mendel: needles are scary

mendel: like

mendel: come here babygorl lemme stab you real quick

trina: cmere babygirl let’s get some metal in that sexy lil arm of yours

mendel: come on over babe i have a sexy mini knife

-  
whizzer: baljeep

trina: segsy baljeep

whizzer: would you peg baljeep in the tailpipe yes or no

mendel: no i’m a lesbian

trina: yes he’s a cilf

-

trina: someone tell him i’m free tomorrow if he wants to climb inside of me for some very enjoyable ballroom dancing

-

trina: three things i am a whore for

trina: capri suns

trina: curly hair

trina: women

-

mendel: wife. mine.

mendel: i will 

mendel: be really mean to people who try to take her 

whizzer: and how will you do that

mendel: by doing

mendel: not nice things 

whizzer: such as 

mendel: crying

-

whizzer: MASTER HAS GIVEN DOBBY A COCK DOBBY IS SLUT

trina: whizzer

whizzer: yes

-

whizzer: i want a kermit puppet but id habe to shove my hand up his ass

mendel: that’s the best part

-

mendel: fictional characters: saving lives, one mentally ill teen at a time

trina: i’m leaving

trina: stop it

trina: goodbye

mendel: THAT WAS DIRRCTED AT MYSELF

trina: packing my bags rn

-


	18. part 18 ft. a very accurate list of things to do in the bath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wee woo wee woo
> 
> these all have a mature rating but this one especially k thanks
> 
> also i haven’t said it in a while but all the comments and kudos are so so appreciated mwah mwah mwah 
> 
> also this is a really long chapter to make up for me going mia

whizzer: spoiler alert my bestie did not get off the jewish boy

-

trina: comfort crowd by conan gray

mendel: yes??

whizzer: what about it

trina: no that’s it

-

mendel: WHY?? WAS I SCREAMIMG??

whizzer: because

whizzer: i called you

whizzer: and spoke your wife’s name

mendel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-

trina: hhhnngngngnfngnf😳🥺‼️🥺👩❤️💋👨👩❤️💋👨‼️💕💍💍😳

trina: sir😳💍

trina: i am once again😳💍

trina: asking you😳💍

trina: for marriage😳💍

-

mendel: i want his wife 👩❤️💋👩😁👆🏻

trina: ok

mendel: little bit of enthusiasm would be great but sure go off

-

cordelia: powerful women kink

mendel: same man

-

whizzer: could be cocaine could be salt could be flour who knows

-

whizzer: coming for your man <3

trina: i will actually stab you to death

-

mendel: you suck

trina: yeah your moms dick

trina: that didn’t make sense

trina: whatever 

mendel: Why did u think that was a good thing to say

trina: because i’m swag

mendel: no ur pathetic

trina: that’s rude

trina: also not what he said

-

whizzer: i need a new name for this account

trina: @spencereidisdaddyfuckmedaddy

mendel: @aaronhotchnerfromtheback

cordelia: @aaronhotchfatass

mendel: @hotchshandcuffs

cordelia: @jajajajajajajajajajajajaja

trina: @emilyprentisssdickinmyass

whizzer: i’ll keep the name then-

-

mendel: i thought sage was like

mendel: a drug

trina: that’s weed

mendel: like weed but safe

trina: that’s incense

whizzer: weed is safe

trina: idiot

marvin: incest

trina: NO

-

whizzer: trina go sleep bi urself

trina: it’s 5:46 pm

-

trina: i am entirely numb in the ~mind~

-

mendel: are you illirwte

-

whizzer: nancy ratgan rattiest and bro-est of the mulaney rats

-

trina: four jews chillin in a room they’re bitching cause they’re all gay

-

trina: why are men hot

trina: like

trina: it just doesn’t sit right with me

-

trina: his voice is so sexy

trina: i want to call him daddy

mendel: wouldn’t that require your voice though

trina: yeah my voice is sexy too

-

whizzer: My maths teacher is a whore

whizzer: She detracted 2.5 points for three small mistakes

trina: don’t call her a whore that’s a compliment

trina: call her uhm

trina: marvin.

-

trina: literally oh my god he that man will be the death of me i never thought i would be killed by a man but yet here we are i am going to lay in the middle of the road and think about my actions

-

trina: hotchniss is sexy

trina: sexy bitches

whizzer: i saw sexy bitches who called

trina: once again i will state the fact that he puts the hot in hotchner and the hotchner in miss prentiss

-

trina: i am  
all the girls  
in his bed

trina: unless he’s cheating on me🤫

trina: it’s happened before thats i’ll i’m saying

-

whizzer: it’s all fun and games until you get my foot up your ass

trina: HELP

trina: THATS WHAT SHE SAID

-

trina: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FORGET CHOCOLATE MILK HAS MILK IN IT

mendel: it happens

whizzer: its literally called chocolate MILK

mendel: it FUCKING HAPPENS

-

whizzer: please he wants to die

trina: tennys bawl fhrow et against the wæl

trina: me too

-

trina: society when i do the wap on his dick

-

trina: i wan. t

trina: ice

trina: and dick

trina: but mostly ice

whizzer: same 

-

whizzer: are you... y'know.. g- g- homosexual.

mendel: uh. possibly.

trina: oh.

mendel: are you... 🏡 of 😱

trina: i am a house of horrors yes

-

mendel: anyways

mendel: no more lauren reynolds 

whizzer: lauren reynolds is dead

trina: me too 

-

trina: skunk

trina: 🦨 

mendel: what noise do they make

trina: they don’t

trina: you asshole

mendel: awwwsjdkskakskksks

mendel: tahts the noise

mendel: that’s the noise they make

trina: STOP IT 

mendel: they look like they go

mendel: awwwsjdkskakskksks 

-

trina: back off my man

trina: grrrr rrarararwwrwrw

mendel: to shove a chess piece up my ass in whizzer’s honour out of solidarity

mendel: because i wanna be dead gay and mean too

whizzer: VROOM VROOM I WILL H I T YOU WITH MY CAR

cordelia: ♟️🍑

mendel: ass chess

whizzer: pegging

-

jason: i shoved

jason: a whole chess board 

jason: up my asshole

-

whizzer: matching scores bae only besties of a different caliber get the same score on the depression test

trina: PERIOD

-

trina: literally he’s such an icon he’s so nice and funny i could talk about him for hours on end

trina: literally confused as to why i love him so much but

trina: I have a healthy relationship with my father.

whizzer: cant fucking relate

-

mendel: stop making mating calls at my wife you arse

-

whizzer: BARSKBDVSTA GROWL SANLR RUDF RUFF OWA OWA

trina: OWA OWA OWA  
trina: BAEROCKSJSKDNSMSNDJ

trina: GRGRGRGRGRGRGRG RUDF

trina: OWAQOWOWOAOWWOAOSO

whizzer: RRRUUUUFFFF WUFFR E SMARL BARKEKRBRBRHEJE

trina: OWOAAISIWKKQKA

trina: RUDUFUFUDUEJWNAKSJF F

mendel: OWOWOW RISUSUSUSUUS

whizzer: SNARRLD S S SBSBARKRFUU RUFFETY RUFF RUFF

-

trina: owa owa miss sutton

mendel: awOoga

-

trina: me respectfully barking at mr brandon jacob uranowitz

-

trina: If we collectively agree to ignore Mendel, he WILL go away. That’s a fact.

whizzer: i’m in

mendel: so true

mendel: WAIT

-

trina: don’t make mating calls at my husband you arse

-

cordelia: ill make mating calls at your husband if i wish

trina: no you won’t

cordelia: yes i will

cordelia: watch me

cordelia: MMMM BARK

cordelia: BAKRRBALE

trina: no

cordelia: GRGRGRGRHRRREE

cordelia: E

trina: you’re literally gay

-

whizzer: me walking into the vet clinic like damn shawty i crave that needle more than mendel craves trinas wrist

-

trina: he’d be in my bed rn if you know what i mean if you know what i mean

trina: cuddling that’s what i mean

-

trina: straights can cum?

trina: the more you know

mendel: get it i guess

whizzer: damn shawty

-

trina: no i deadass dropped a whole book in the bath

trina: because my favorite taylor swift song

trina: started playing

whizzer: HOW CAN YOU JUST

whizzer: BRING A BOOK INTO TH BATH

trina: WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DI IN THE BATHZ

trina: there’s three things to do in the bath  
read  
play in your phone  
die

mendel: bath sex

trina: BATH SEX THAT TOO

trina: FOUR THINGS

whizzer: bath salts

mendel: be touch starved

whizzer: 4. wank

cordelia: bath bombs

-

whizzer: TRINA BAE ARE YOU GOOD ARE YOU HAVING AN ORGASM OR CRYING I CANT TELL

trina: why not both bae

mendel: damn it feels good to be a gangster

-

trina: list of things to do in the bath, brought to you by us:

trina:- read  
\- play on your phone  
\- die  
\- wank  
\- bath sex  
\- bath bombs

trina: don’t d o a bath bomb

trina: jared kleinman shit 

mendel: what about emotional breakdown

trina: we can add that

whizzer: WHERES THE BATH SALTS

whizzer: DRUGS

-

trina: combine one or more items for even more fun

whizzer: bath salts and bath bombs

mendel: bath sex and dying

trina: yes 

trina: HAVE AN ORGASM AND CRY IN THE BATH

mendel: bath sex and cry yeah

-

whizzer: you guys

whizzer: are thinking about

whizzer: the wrong bath salts

whizzer: you twats

trina: no i’m not

trina: i’m thinking about drugs

cordelia: drugs

-

mendel: good girl. 

trina: DAMN SHAWTY 

-

trina: gonna go play she used to be mine on a ukulele and cry does anyone want anything

-

trina: is eating pussy gay or would i be considered a european because i'm trying to cross the border of switzerland but the vodka isn't working

-

trina: someone strip me of my rights

trina: and my clothes if you are a man with curly hair

-

trina: the circles under my eyes are darker than my future


	19. part 19 ft. octobottoms, anal chess, and lots of gay smut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is
> 
> very maturely rated
> 
> viewer discretion advised
> 
> my friends are just super horny what can i say

whizzer: wait so lemme get this straight

trina: you’re gay don’t even try

mendel: lemme run this bi again

-

trina: owa owa mrs benanti 

-

trina: why am i so attracted to

trina: soft jewish boys

-

mendel: @suttonlenore 💍💍

trina: @therealmariskahargitay ask ur husband if he’s free to slam me into a bookcase

-

trina: someone give me a random word

whizzer: tits

trina: i cant have that one

cordelia: cock

trina: no

trina: not that either

cordelia: cheese

trina: NO

cordelia: toes

whizzer: cult

whizzer: clit

whizzer: OHH

trina: YWAH

trina: SO HELP

trina: I CANT THINK OF ONE

cordelia: wait what

cordelia: safe word?

trina: DELETE THAT DELIA

cordelia: i don’t think i will

whizzer: TRINA NEEDS A SAFEWORD EVERYONE

cordelia: oh

trina: SHUT UP

whizzer: bark

cordelia: just start barking

whizzer: binders

cordelia: BINDERS

whizzer: BINDERS... OH GOD MENDEL BINDERS...

trina: you guys are assholes

-

whizzer: WE HAVE SQUONDOMS

trina: SQUONDOMS

mendel: SQUID DOMS

mendel: WAIT FUCK 

trina: octopus bottoms

whizzer: octobottoms

trina: OCTOBOTTOMS

-

whizzer: real men have self-sucking dicks 

-

trina: religious sex

whizzer: dance party 

mendel: Nothing pre Marital

trina: no fun

-

cordelia: something about dick doesn’t sit right w me

-

whizzer: no vibing. only sex underwear

trina: vibrating underwear 

mendel: the most ambitious crossover the world has ever seen

-

trina: me hearing my dad come upstairs when i have “emily prentiss’s dick in my ass” written on my forehead

-

trina: i’m listening to next to normal this is a sign of mental illness

whizzer: oh honey- you good bestie bae?

-

trina: i have to

trina: socially interact

trina: with people today

trina: fuck fuck fuck 

mendel: WAIT SAME EW

trina: i just want to stay at home and write she loves me fanfics and pretend i don’t have crippling depression

trina: but now i have to walk around the mall with my friends and pretend i don’t have crippling depression AND that i’m straight

-

whizzer: fuck a ferret

mendel: nO I AM NOT FUCKING MY CHILD

-

trina: and i would bang 500 milfs and i would bang 500 more just to be the girl who banged a thousand milfs and left them at your door

-

trina: me around my straight friends writing gay smut

trina: this has the potential to go very badly

-

whizzer: if being hot was a crime i’d get the death penalty 

trina: i’d be a law-abiding citizen

marvin: cant get arrested for a crime you didn’t commit 

mendel: i’d have a clean criminal record

-

whizzer: if you do sexy things your brain cant call you unsexy

-

whizzer: do you ever get so cold you make elephant noises

whizzer: yeah same

-

jason: i will sit here

jason: and stare at this beautiful chessboard

jason: on the table 

mendel: donr do anal with ut

jason: yeah you don’t have to worry about that

-

mendel: ayo it’s your boy ... u,uh.... skinny penis

-

cordelia: ((Uhm,,, welcome to bible studies- we’re all children of jesus *softly and stressed* kumbaya my lord

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mendel w the fat lies sir we know ur packing stfu
> 
> anyways i’m sorry for this one it’s real bad
> 
> love you all mwah


	20. PART 20??? ohmygod...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok uhm holds up notecards drops notecards all over the place shrugs and improvs a Great Speech
> 
> part twenty wow that’s kinda insane to me but i’m glad so many people like hearing the idiotic things my friends say so. thank you all very much.

mendel: physically in the friendzone mentally in her bed am i RIGHT ladies

mendel: i need to stop

-

whizzer: what do you do if someone is choking go

mendel: the fucking heimlich idk how to do it though

trina: tighten your hands 

-

trina: all my grammar rules fly out the window when i think about sutton fosters legs

-

whizzer: gonna go burn some incense to rid myself of your guyses stupidity

-

trina: every time I see that man’s face something strange awakens inside of me and it is not good

-

whizzer: i just remembered the time i got banned on club penguin for telling someone to fuck off

-

whizzer: guys guys guys

trina: yes yes yes

whizzer: everyone watch she loves me

mendel: i would but she doesn’t

trina: STOP IT

-

jason: i beat my mom in chess. suck my dick mom go complain to your therapist

-

trina: ALWAYD. ALWAYSS. EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. MY BEST BOY MY BESTIE HES SO CUTE MENDEL COME HERE MWAH MWAH HOLDS HEAD IN HANDS SHAKES SCREAMS CRIES

-

mendel: am i allowed to curse in here

trina: fuck no

-

trina: ah yes, my type: women and mendel weisenbachfeld

-

trina: I did so much dumb shit when I was younger that has come back to haunt me in the present

whizzer: i did dumb shit this morning that haunts me now <3

mendel: i just do dumb shit idk

-

mendel: lock up your moms folks, mother fucker on the loose

trina: i’m

jason: *locks up mom*

-

trina: i’m just destined to aggressively place the tip of my left doc marten boot inside of that mans ass i just know it

-

whizzer: hi everyone

whizzer: say peanuts without the t

mendel: you cant trick me into saying penis haha laugh funny

mendel: WAIT

trina: eanuts

trina: WAIT 

trina: WITHOUT THE T

-

mendel: what's. a heat brush

trina: it’s like

trina: a brush

trina: with heat

-

trina: if i got a therapist they would be like “you have severe depression” and i would be like “damn shawty”


	21. part 21 ft. sandra bullock and betsy wolfe being milfs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what’s nine plus ten
> 
> mature content besties
> 
> and yes, yes that is our actual group chat name but we call ourselves “the betsy chat” or “trindel cumrats”
> 
> :)

whizzer: the BEES work for the bourgeoisie

-

whizzer: favorite song off evermore go

trina: ivy

marvin: exile

mendel: i’m-

-

whizzer: WHERES SANDRA BULLOCK

trina: i’m here. 

-

mendel: I LOVE HOT MOMS !!

trina: I KNOW

-

whizzer: everything's gay if you're gay <3

-

trina: mmm tuts

trina: tits

mendel: tuts

whizzer: king tutu

whizzer: tut

trina: TUTU

whizzer: married with a donkey

mendel: titties

whizzer: NO

whizzer: BUTRIED

whizzer: BURRUED

trina: #euphoric

-

whizzer: im supposed to have a large flat surface i dont know what to use

trina: marvins flat ass

-

whizzer: Why does everyone have a February birthday?

mendel: because february birthdays are superior 😏😏😏😏

marvin: what about december bitches

cordelia: no january is in between both and better!! xx

mendel: pisces birthdays are the best sorry 😋😋😋😋

trina: no birthday supremacy! i wish i hadn’t been born!

-

whizzer: sexual fantasies anyone? this is a safe space 

mendel: she lets me hold her hand

whizzer: valid

-

whizzer: WAIT I GOTTA SCROLL BACK TO SEE WHAT I MISSED BEFORE

trina: probably just a bunch of bullshit

trina: this is the betsy chat we’re talking about here

-

mendel: speaking of betsy. i love betsy wolfe so much wtf she’s actually the prettiest person ever omfg omfg she’s so gorgeous my type is brunettes but she is the exception

trina: vest

cordelia: best

trina: bests wolfe

trina: vesty wolfe

mendel: VESTY

whizzer: *has changed the chat name to nunchucks u fucken clark sun bag god with the tampon vibrator wap🚼 ft. vesty wolfe*

whizzer: i added vesty do you like it

trina: i do

-

trina: getting rammed in the ass by a  
man with curly hair my dream come true


	22. part 21 ft. mendel being a milf-lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i kinda disappeared so sorry about that. 
> 
> anyways this is kind of a long chapter
> 
> mature themes involved
> 
> tw//
> 
> mentions of suicide

jason: baking cookies for when my parents get home from work maybe they’ll actually love me now🤨🤨

-

whizzer: i’m a good christian

trina: you’re gay

-

whizzer: be bisexual have mental problems

trina: THATSS ME

-

jason: accidentally walked in on my mom and her therapist that’s so awkward 

-

whizzer: *sends a photo of a random tiktoker*

whizzer: I MEAN I KNOW YOU WOULDN’T SAY NO

trina: ID FUCK ANYTHING WITH A PULSE BUT I ALSO HAVE SOME STANDARDS SO NOT MY FIRST CHOICE BABES

mendel: does that include me

mendel: MEN

mendel: I MEAN MEN I MEAN MEN

-

trina: i want to learn a new taylor swift song on my ukulele

trina: well really i want to die but. second best option.

-

trina: i’m going g to hell the thoughts in my mind rn

-

mendel: guys why is there a birthday cake flavored lollipop and why is it blue?

cordelia: because lollipop makers are dick suckers

whizzer: hey i take full offense to that

cordelia: is true. a thingy you put in your mouth and suck... what...else could it be

trina: a tít

-

marvin: she was getting more than therapy when she went to his office that’s all i’m saying

-

trina: *softly and stressed* dixk in the ass

-

trina: happy galentine’s day you fucking sluts

-

trina: LIKE

trina: I HATE MYSELF

trina: BUT IF I HAD TO SAY

trina: ONE NICE THING ABOUY MYSELF

trina: I THINK ID BE A GREAT WIFE

mendel: you would

-

mendel: 24/7 non stop   
simping for my brunette milf soulmate who i love very dearly!

-

mendel: google how do you stop crying over milf

-

marvin: you’re not real friends unless you have gay sex

trina: only best friends have straight sex with each other

mendel: theyre just having homie sex!

whizzer: “””straight”””

-

trina: you’re not a therapist until you bang one of your patients!

mendel: and then marry her! cant forget that part!

trina: real therapists fuck their patients

mendel: we don’t need no unfucked patients

trina: real therapists!

mendel: fuck their patients!

-

trina: find one (1) hot sexy swaggy milf and bang her

-

whizzer: i love to sit next to the pipe things outside of cars

trina: Before you send a message thing is this STUPID  
S doesn’t stand for anything just  
Think  
U  
P  
I  
D

-

trina: are you ok

trina: in the head

mendel: no

-

whizzer: i moved my ring to my middle finger so i can flip my friends off in style

-

jason: i have videos of me crying from a year ago

mendel: what were you crying about 

jason: i don’t know

jason: fifth grade?

-

whizzer: i expect some new insults

trina: you’ll get them you piece of cum on the bottom of my shoe

trina: GUM

trina: GUM NOT CUM

mendel: CUM

mendel: STOP

whizzer: WHY IS THERE CUM ON YOUR SHOE

-

trina: imagine having to film an underwater sex scene with matthew morrison

trina: that’s the real american horror of this story

-

whizzer: i’m so proud of you! you’ve been through so much and here you are, still standing!

trina: more like i’m on my knees and you can take that in a sexual or a suicidal way

-

trina: whatever i have mommy issues i’ll take the milf

-

mendel: roses are red  
violets are blue  
have sex with me


	23. part 23. featuring why you should fuck your stepdad with your host, trina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mature. content. 
> 
> pretty sure that’s definitely a given by now but
> 
> you can never be too safe

whizzer: did you know women can have TWENTY ORGASMS PER SESSION. damn. 

mendel: i did

trina: what happens if you do 21

whizzer: you ascend and reach nirvana

trina: wow

trina: cum as you are

-

trina: hold on

mendel: yes

trina: IM

trina: feeling so straight rn

trina: gonna go look at photos of women

whizzer: yes do that

trina: gonna go stare at sarah paulsons tits wbt

mendel: HEY

mendel: grrrrr

-

trina: i only stan ppl so i have something to obsess over other than a skinny white boy

-

trina: gonna go make kraft mac and cheese and eat it out of rage becuase i’ll never feel the soft touch of sarah paulsons golden hair

-

trina: my sexual attraction to psychiatrists rn.

-

trina: i’d fuck your doctor

marvin: nice to know! next time, let’s try a thing called: Hey! I Didnt Need To Know That!

-

trina: i am famous amongst the moore stans.

trina: i am their god.

trina: they flock to me like sheep to- horses or whatever the fuck sheep like idk maybe gay porn???

-

trina: going to take a shower we’ll see if i fuck myself or off myself. the possibilities✨✨

-

trina: me snapping him in his sweatshirt what a whore

-

whizzer: i feel really shit woah

trina: oh no

whizzer: yet i still remain sexy

trina: true true

whizzer: it’s my magical sexiness

-

mendel: guys i just did night time yoga.

mendel: am i supposed to feel relaxed all i feel is a burning hatred for the fact that i can’t fuckint sit still

-

trina: gods plan

mendel: fuck shit bitch

mendel: wait

mendel: different rap song

-

trina: it’s here

whizzer: it’s here

mendel: it’s here

marvin: whats here

trina: it

mendel : 74

mendel: it**

-

trina: jason please see a psychiatrist 

marvin: but don’t fuck him like your mum

whizzer: please don't fuck you daf jason

mendel: stepdad

trina: i wish to be jason if i was jason and he was my stepdad i’d fuck him

marvin: dear god

whizzer: trina you wash your mouth out

marvin: this is unacceptable 

marvin: behavior

trina: no

trina: if mendel was my stepdad i would simply fuck my stepdad

marvin: don’t fuck your stepdad

marvin: don’t fuck your stepdad

whizzer: don’t fuck your stepdad

marvin: don’t fuck your steph dad

whizzer: don’t fuck your stepdad

trina: you guys are no fun. 

-

trina: you’re telling me

trina: if you had a sexy ass step dad 

trina: you would

trina: not fuck that man

cordelia: i’m a lesbian you seem to forget that

-

trina: if i had a 

trina: small

trina: nervous

trina: bisexual man

trina: in a sweater vest

-

trina: whizzer can find the clit in his sleep but still chooses to ass fuck his rat boyfriend. that’s commitment.

-


	24. part 24 ft. phds and issues of the daddy variety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a long chapter and lots of mature content so stay safe kids!!!

cordelia: she’s a doctor so she knows anat moy anf stuff

-

marvin: tiny dick gay?????? no! no touch! sorry, wife.

-

mendel: Oral Sex

-

mendel: i taught myself how to tie my hair back with one hand because you never know how many hands you’ll have free when you’re fucking someone’s bitch

-

jason: you cant fuck my stepdad

-

trina: SUCKING HIM OFF IN THE BATHTUB

-

trina: orgasms make pain go away

trina: physical and emotional i’ll kill two birds with one cum

-

trina: do me rail me fuck me blow my back out bang me against the wall

-

trina: jam being the straightest most vanilla couple i’ve ever seen

trina: they act like shower sex is kinky no pamela you’ve just never seen a pair of handcuffs in your life

-

mendel: i love my depressed kinky bisexual girlfriend

-

mendel: it is

mendel: tuesday

mendel: my dudes

mendel: aaaAAAAHHH

-

whizzer: ah yes, soccer, the gayest sport besides wrestling

whizzer: wrestling is for openly gay dudes

whizzer: soccer is for twinks in the closet

whizzer: there’s no in between

-

trina: which shakespeare character are you let’s see

trina: if i don’t get juliet i’m killing myself

trina: i see how ironic that is now. 

-

trina: long story short i ended up falling into this guys arms while saying “fuck me”

-

mendel: I JUST

mendel: POWERFUL WOMEN

mendel: MMMM

-

jason: me 🤝 mendel   
calling trina mommy

-

trina: i am imagining

trina: quite the scene

trina: from sex and the city

mendel: what is it of

mendel: is it of sex

mendel: in the city

-

trina: listens to an american in paris and cries over a Homosexual Man who doesn’t know i exist

-

trina: cutely hits the loop button on any sutton foster song ever

-

trina: IM   
VERY   
ATTRACTED

trina: TO AARON HOTCHNER

whizzer: you have issues of the daddy variety

-

mendel: anything is milf pussy if you try hard enough

-

trina: 🥺🥺 this emoji means nothing other than you take it straight up the ass next question

mendel: STOP.

-

trina: rebo sweeeney

-

trina: sexymilfs @ gmail dot cum

-

mendel: guys she’s so beautiful

mendel: i want. to kiss her

-

trina: IM SO EMBARRASSED RIGHT NOW

trina: OH MY GOD

trina: NO

trina: MO

whizzer: WHY

cordelia: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPNED

whizzer: ARE YOU GOING TO EXPLAIN

trina: SO MY HISTORY CLASS ZOOM JUST ENDED RIFHT

trina: AND RIFHT BEFORE THE ZOOM ENDED

trina: THE TEACHER PRIVATE MESSAGED ME

trina: FUCKIKG EXPLAINING THAT SHE COULD SEE THE HICKEY ON MY NECK AND I THAT I SJOULD COVER IT UP AND SHE WAS SUPER NICE ABOUT IT AND SHES SUPER CHILL BUT JESUS CHRIST OH KY GOD IM SO EMBARRASSED RIGHT NOW

trina: IM LEAVING

whizzer: YOURE FUCKUNG KIDDING ME RIGHT NEO

cordelia: OH MY FUCKING GOD THATS SO HUMILIATING

trina: IM DELETING MY ACCOUNT

cordelia: U NEED TO JUST CHANGE TOYR IDENTITY

trina: SWITCHING SCHOOLS

whizzer: SILLY MENDEL...

trina: IM GOING TO KILL THTA MAN

cordelia: SILLYMEBDEL LEAVE

-

whizzer: don’t play with rock squirrels in arizona they can give you the plague

mendel: noted. thank you. 

-

mendel: i have never been more jealous of a man in my entire career

-

mendel: screams of rage and sorrow because i will never be able to fuck Her

-

whizzer: that’s not a gang bang bestie that’s a murder

-

trina: if you squint hard enough it looks like she’s pole dancing dont ask how i knwo that

-

whizzer: i’ve already got a phd

whizzer: pretty   
huge  
dick

charlotte: ABDJDKKFKF ive got a doctorate

-

whizzer: dick   
on  
crack  
tomorrow   
or  
really   
accurate   
telling  
east

mendel: dick  
or  
cock  
to  
openly  
rail  
all  
the ho  
t milfs

trina: yes

cordelia: doctorate  
octorate  
ctorate   
torate   
orate   
rate  
ate  
te   
e

-

mendel: why is there  
no milf in my fridge

mendel: milk** fuck 

trina: because the milf is in your bed bae

mendel: true

-

whizzer: which flavor vitamin water do i choose today

mendel: pussy

trina: cum

trina: cum flavored

-

whizzer: ~she could taste herself through their kiss~

trina: felt🤲🤲

-


	25. part 25 ft. brttbrbtbtbtbt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a short chapter yup yup sorry

trina: guys look up redtube

trina: it’s a totally appropriate and not pornography related website

-

trina: platonically gives birth to his first born

-

mendel: TRINATRINA FUCK YEAH TRUNA

mendel: DO ME TRINA FUCK ME TRINA RAIL ME TRINA NO THOUGHTS ONLY TRINA

-

cordelia: nature’s calling

cordelia: motherfucker

whizzer: tell it to fuck off

-

mendel: physical therapy

mendel: horizontal therapy

mendel: sure

mendel: but

mendel: mental therapy

mendel: no

-

trina: MMMMM GOOD SEX

-

trina: i just love moaning

trina: like randomly

mendel: like when no one is around you

trina: no i’ll be surrounded by my friends and i’ll just go ‘oh- oH- aWhOh-“

mendel: great description 

trina: whining

mendel: great

-

trina: you know what’s even better than whining

mendel: yes

trina: whimpering

trina: pleading 

mendel: for what

trina: milfs

-

trina: cutely dissolves into tears over sutton foster

-

mendel: wtf she’s so cute wtf i want to hug her wtf but also i want to hug her like. horizontally you know what i mean you know i want to hold her hand but i want her hand to be. somewhere else you know you kno

-

trina: please 🥺🥺🥺 bang me on thr wall 🥺🥺🥺

-

trina: does sandra bullock have nudes asking for a friend

-


	26. part 26 ft. more milfs more milfs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whiaiaoaooaoooao i’m so tired. anyways enjoy.

trina: cecily strong is such a milf goddamn. 

trina: she’s gorgeous i want to fuck her

trina: every time i watch snl i get a little bit gayer

-

mendel: trina u can take me to the jewish center

-

trina: you absolute fake. you fake you’re faker than my ex husbands orgasms

-

whizzer: besties

whizzer: what is an object

marvin: women

trina: me when i’m around men

-

whizzer: fuck men brbtbrbrbtbrbrbtbt

trina: del

trina: fuck

trina: men

trina: del

-

trina: damn shawty she does not have a choking kink

whizzer: like a monkey

trina: what

whizzer: seven little monkeys jumping on the bed one fell off and bunked it's head

-

mendel: HUMPINH ON THE BED

mendel: JUMPING JUNPINN NOT HUMBPINH

-

trina: what's your career

mendel: milf fucking 

mendel: and psychicatriaty

mendel: but

mendel: that’s only a part time job

trina: you’d be a bad psychiatrist 

mendel: i know

-

mendel: i knocked my trash can up

mendel: OVER

mendel: OVER NOT UP

whizzer: how. would you get a trash can pregnant

trina: cum in it

cordelia: you can do anything if tou set your mind to it

mendel: thanks delia

-

trina: bbrbrtbtbrbbtbtbtbt oohoohohohohh womn womn women. pohohohhhhh girl girls

-

trina: all it got me was a little bit of head and a 66% in algebra 1🤏 it’s not worth it kids. dont pretend you’re bad at math

-

mendel: i want  
a wife  
and a wedding  
grrgrrrr

trina: i want a husband who has curly hair

marvin: i want a wedding

marvin: only a wedding

marvin: i’ll divorce the person after

whizzer: ill marry some horny guy and divorce him after

-

trina: me vs accidentally changing in front of my open window but it’s ok bc im sexy

-

trina: come on fuck me emo boy

trina: come on fuck me emo boy

mendel: what

trina: HE HAS CAKE

-

trina: i tske, hisn cock and his cok . onky

trina: or his tongue actully i am notn pivkiy

-

whizzer: what do i need to do to get you to go to sleeping

trina: get mendel to fuck me relentlessly.

trina: no typo11! brbtbrb celebrat

-

trina: mifl tittits

mendel: yeah yyeah wh

-

marvin: honestly don't want a grown woman looking at my cunt but I may be the only person here with that mindset

-

whizzer: dont fuck your gynecologist

trina: i have a history with. doctors

-

trina: i have never fucked a guy who looks like harry potter

-

whizzer: gay cum

-

trina: are you insulting me bc i have suck. ed dick before just call me a slur it’ll hurt less

-

trina: pink dildos have the sexiest energy

whizzer: no you have parental issues

-

trina: i like. men in skirts

-

trina: whizzer was responsible for the kennedy assassianatjon and i have proof

mendel: the jfk assassination wasn’t real it’s a social construct made by americans to sell more jfk merch because nothing sells like being fucking dead

whizzer: i sat on the rooftop of a council flat miles out and snipered that fucker with my master aim

whizzer: then just threw the gun into a passing garbage truck where it got crushed and walked down the stairs

whizzer: went on with my day

-

cordelia: so I've learnt that I can do shots of straight up lemon juice without pulling a face.. 🤠🤠

mendel: thats not something to be proud of--

-

trina: platonic pick up lines

trina: what fun

trina: also we hate each other

whizzer: oh yeah platonic mhm

trina: it’s platonic you fucking assborle

cordelia: enemies to lovers

trina: no

whizzer: you could cut the sexual tension between them two with a chainsaw let’s be real

trina: what the fuck 

-

mendel: what’s the d slur

mendel: is it

mendel: d*ck


End file.
